Dear 2017,

 You're almost over and I'm not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, I'm excited for you to be over because that means we're that much closer to Donald Trump's "presidency" being over. On the other, I'm not excited for you to be over because it means I'm that much closer to 26 and losing my insurance. #GodBlessAmerica (Sarcasm, obviously.)

Nonetheless, here we are about to part ways so that 2018 can come crap on us too. Half joking. 2017, you weren't my worst year but I can also say that you weren't the best year either. That slot still remains 2013 when I WAS IN MY PRIME!

2017, you've been full of answers for me. Specifically, medically. How truly grateful I am to live in a time of modern medicine and hot AF medical professionals. God bless nurse Jake at Utah Valley Hospital for being the sexiest nurse to ever stick a needle in me. Am I getting out of hand? Too bad. He made having a colonoscopy and endoscopy not as terrifying but also kind of fun. Thanks Jake for joking around with me before and after the procedure and for making sure I didn't let my ass hang out as I ran to the bathroom for the nine millionth time in my hospital robe. #ColonoscopiesAreFUN

Here's a special momento from that blessed day.

But for real, I'm grateful I live in a time where they can shove a tube with a camera up my ass and down my throat (not the same tube, obviously.) to help me figure out my life long struggle with intense stomach pains, and always feeling sick no matter what I eat and drink.   Cheers to you 2017 for creating a medicine that has helped me live my life a little less sick all the time. Also cheers to you for making my food allergy list longer, it's made life a lot easier. Not.   #AllergicToEverything
2017 also gave me the best damn eyebrows of all time. A joyous occasion for sure. Best things to have ever happened to my face.

Hallelujah, Praise the Lord.

2017 was also a big year for me because I finally stood up for myself and my happiness and went to  to Dental Assisting school- something I've been wanting to do for years.

I've never loved anything more. (Except my niece and nephew, OBVIOUSLY.) Dentistry has filled my soul and that might sound weird but It honestly feels like I've gained a piece back that was missing. I've always felt so very out of place in my own life. Like I've just been a moving, breathing waste of a human. I say that because I've felt empty, and have just been going through the motions everyone else has told me to do and it was DRIVING ME CRAZY. Here I am, 25, still living for other people and not myself. 

NOT IN 2017!! During the spring semester pursuing a Bachelors last Spring, I physically and emotionally couldn't do it anymore. I was not living for myself or making my own decisions and I was SICK AND TIRED of feeling like nothingness. Literal nothingness. So I put my foot down and told my parents that I was no longer going to pursue the Bachelors and that I was going to go to Dental Assisting school because that was what I wanted to do with my life. It wasn't met with cheers from them but 2017 gave me the courage to stick to my guns and say "I'm 25, this is my life, my choice, I'm doing it and there isn't anything you can do about it." So here we are. 

I graduated with all A's from my Dental Assisting course and I've been working part time with an amazing Dentist who has been so great at teaching me hands on all of the aspects of a Dental Office. He and his entire staff have been such a joyful blessing in my life and there will never be words to properly express my gratitude. 

In 2017 I also met my real life twin IN PERSON!!

I have loved Matt Bellassai since the very first moment my friend Hebs was like "You know who is your spirit animal? That guy that gets drunk at work and complains about stuff." I was like "WHAT!? WHO IS THIS!?" I watched his videos and was like HOLY CRAP! He is that twin my grandma used to tell me I had. 

Matt is the literal male version of me except for the whole drunk at work part. Meeting him in person was a typical Hannah moment where I froze and couldn't even remember who I am, where I live, how old I am, etc.  But meeting him IRL was one of the biggest moments of my life and my year.  Also, he really is that funny in person. And he's really nice.

Let's talk honorable 2017 mentions, shall we?

 San Fransisco.  Now, let me be clear. I freaking HATED San Fransisco. It was dirty, the hills were actual mountains, AND it was during the time I first started taking that medicine that changed my life for the better. I had the colonoscopy the week before I left and literally started the medicine the day before I got on the plane. My body had no idea how to handle that medicine at first and I found myself throwing up all of my insides in a dirty San Fransisco bathroom the day after starting them. It was terrible. I remember feeling like someone was literally ripping my insides apart as we were driving across the Golden Gate Bridge to Sausalito. I thought I was probably hungry so I actually stole a granola bar from my niece LIKE A SAVAGE and shoved it down my throat real quick to possibly make me feel better. Nope. As we were waiting in line to meet freaking Daniel Tiger at the Bay Area Discovery Museum,  the wraths of hell came over me and I've never been more sick in a public place before in my life. 

It was hell on earth and a little kid in the stall next to me asked If I was okay after hearing me vomit out my soul and then my sobs that followed. Poor kid is probably scared for life. That was the first day of the trip and I felt like complete and total shit the rest of the 6 days I was in that terrible place. There were some highlights of that trip for me though. Number 1- the beach.  I belong by the ocean and the ocean belongs by me.

Other highlight? The road trip of moving my sister and the kids back to Utah after their summer in SF. I loved seeing Northern California, and North West Nevada. Reno has my heart. I'm being 100% serious. I absolutely LOVED Reno and want to move there as soon as possible. 

Not fun part of that roadtrip? When E lost her special blanket in Reno. The story she gets told now is that "special blankie" caught a flight to Vegas to join the Britney Spears tour. It helps her feel better about the situation. #BritneyFansForLife. 

Also not fun part? When G man SCREAMED Bloody murder from freaking Wendover all the way to Salt Lake.  BUT E and I did pee on the side of the road in the middle of the Salt Flats while my sister was trying to calm G and it was one of the funniest moments of my life. Have you ever peed on the side of the road while trying to hold a 3 year old who also has to pee WHILE also keeping your eyes peeled for rattlesnakes and scorpions? Pure madness.

Another honorable mention of 2017 was the DATE I went on. It was a BIG deal for me. Something I went to a couple sessions of therapy about in order to do. If you know me, you might know that I had a pretty serious we'll call "encounter" with a boy a couple of years ago. (He doesn't deserve to be called a man.) Now that I'm thinking about it, "encounter" sounds weird but I don't know if I can even call what we had a relationship. Long story short, he DESTROYED me and I honestly didn't know if my heart could ever recover from the pain caused by the entire situation with him. It kind of did, but I am left with some pretty bad emotional scars where I now completley shut myself off because I don't want to ever feel that pain again and I would rather be alone. Not only that, but I've been absolutely TERRIFIED of anything having to do with dating anyone. Like full on panic attacks.

 SO the fact that I met someone that I felt comfortable enough with and excited with to go on a date with (how many times can I say WITH!?) was a BIG. FREAKING. DEAL. I could tell you that it was a fun night but it honestly wasn't. It was honestly the worst date that I tried to tell myself was good but it was just plain awful. The night ended with me accidentally running my car in to a pole so that gives you an idea of the rest of the night. BUT the fact is that I WENT. Not only that, but I asked him on the date. BIG DEAL FOR HANNAH KOLLER. No, I haven't been on a "date" date since BUT that one was good enough for me. Again, I have issues.

Another big moment in 2017? My grandparents moved out of their house in to an assisted living type situation. Their house was just too much for them and we were worried about them living up on the mountain in that big house all the time. If you've ever been to my grandparents, it's the steepest roads on the side of the mountain to get to their house and two people in their 80's shouldn't be driving period ,let alone on steep mountain roads. It was time but that doesn't mean I wasn't DEVASTATED (still am) when it all was going down. I'm a very sentimental person with places so saying goodbye to their home was really hard for me. 

So there's 2017 in a nutshell.

 I can honestly say that I am so proud of myself this year. Sure, I'm still living with my parents and looking for ANYONE  with Insurance to marry by Feb. 7th so that I'll still have insurance BUT, I'm proud of my choices that have led me to this moment in time.  2017 wasn't the worst, despite the entire state of the country right now- BUT, MY 2017 wasn't terrible. 

I'm looking forward to 2018 and the opportunities ahead. I'm so grateful to be going in to a new year doing something that I love surrounded by people that I actually like and I'm not pretending to like. (At least the majority of you.  *wink) I like how this post started out as a letter and morphed in to something else. I guess that's like my life. It goes one way and then morphs so many times.

So here's to 2018. May we all make it to the other end alive and doing what we love, hopefully surrounded by people we love. Let's also all pray that I find a mail order husband by Feb 7, 2018 so that I can have continued health insurance. Seriously, please pray.  
Here's to you 2017, now move the eff over so that we're closer to Drumpf Little hands being kicked out of the White House.

Hannah Gift Guide

We're getting CLOSER and closer to Christmas. If you celebrate Hanukkah- It's already here! Still struggling to find a gift? I got you. Mainly this gift guide is just stuff that I want but I'm sure someone else would want some of these things too. 

(My Birthday is also coming up, btw. You know, in case these things don't arrive before Christmas. lol)

#1 A New Watch

I'm low key obsessed with Olivia Burton Watches. I honestly want so many of them.  This particular watch is the "Ladies After Dark" watch and I legit drool every time I see it. Her watches are not cheap, however, I feel like they're pretty reasonably priced and BY GOLLY they're all beautiful.

Cologne Picks

Christmas is literally like a week away and I am here to help you gift your man with a cologne that is going to make you lose your mind and make him happy. I call these colognes "Baby Making" Colognes because that's what they're probably going to lead to. I'm serious and YOU'RE WELCOME. These colognes make me black out and lose ALL of my morals in a second. JOKING MOM, I still have (most of) my morals. ;)

The first time I ever truly experienced blacking out and losing my morals to a cologne was with Aqua Di Gio by Giorgio Armani. A guy I was spending a lot of time with wore it and I swear that cologne made me fall in love with him. Half kidding. BUT, it smelled so good that I literally couldn't think straight whenever I was with him. That cologne is the ultimate "Baby Making" cologne. TO THIS DAY I can smell it a mile away- not that it's that strong but because I love it so much that I know exactly when someone is wearing it and I LOSE MY MIND.

CHOM Burger

Something you may not know about me is that I am a burger connoisseur and I am constantly on the hunt for the worlds best burger. And while I still don't know if I've found it, I do know that I've found a burger that I can't stop thinking about.

Let's talk about CHOM Burger in Provo, Utah. Specifically, lets talk about their BBQ Bacon Cheeseburger. (The bottom one in the above picture.)

Kiss Me, I dare you.

This is how excited I get about lipstick. To be honest, I've never been much of a girly girl. Yes, I enjoy playing with makeup, now. But until I moved to college makeup and most girly things weren't even on my radar... EXCEPT lipstick and nail polish.

For me, lipstick (and nail polish for that matter.) makes me feel like a bad ass that can accomplish anything. It also makes me feel put together and like I have my life figured out even when I clearly do not.

I love me a bold lip. Give me the oranges, the deep reds, and the browns. I love them. But the worst part about lipstick is the fact that it doesn't stay on, gets on your teeth, dries out your lips, smears when you drink, and it's SUPER high maintenance.

Praise the Heavens we're in 2017 and someone figured out how to make a lipstick that stays in place and doesn't dry out my lips!

You've probably heard of Lipsense, and while I LOVE LIPSENSE, It's expensive. Yes, it stays in place, lasts all day, isn't drying, etc. But it's expensive for lipstick and I started looking for an alternative that was easier to apply and easier to take off.

Get Your Groove On

This is my face any time anyone asks If I want to dance. Hell yes I want to dance! Dancing is my favorite. This just so happens to be a week of music on my blog because my September and October Spotify playlists are now PUBLIC and ready to be heard by someone other than myself.

Listening To: Rationale

I like to pride myself in my taste in music. Granted, I'm pretty biased, but still.
I love sharing my music finds with everyone else because we all deserve good music.
An artist I've been LOVING for a while now is Rationale.

Me too.

Seeing the "Me Too"campaign happening on Facebook made me stop dead in my tracks.

  So many people.

 I thought back through my life and thought "Those poor people. I'm so grateful I haven't gone through that." But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I'm pretty sure most women have experienced at least sexual harassment. 

I have not (to my knowledge) been sexually abused. 

However, there have been times where I too have been sexually harassed. Where I was asked out on  a date only to be yelled at for me refusing to do sexual things to him. That because he paid for dinner, I should do him a "favor." (Not his exact words, I refuse to repeat the exact words.) 

There have been times I was walking back to my car only to be yelled at from guys saying things about me and my body and what they would like to do with it (my body). As well as I have received explicit messages from men also saying things they would like to do to my body.

 I had an authoritative figure when I was younger who would put his hand on my upper thigh when he called me in to his office where at first, I was too scared to say anything to him about how his behavior was not appropriate. The same man, wiped sweat from my upper lip one day. He just swooped in, wiped the sweat slowly, and then rested his finger on my upper lip for a moment before I had the courage to turn and walk away from him. I was 17.

I've been groped at concerts, walking in a store, and once during cheerleading pictures where a  football player walked past me and grabbed my butt.

I have felt fear hundreds of times by the way a man looked at me. I have walked in different directions to feel safer then walking past a group of men. I have been creeped out by comments made to me and stares directed towards me.

I am always highly aware of my surroundings and walk with a sharp object in between my fingers out of fear of being attacked.

I slept over (actually slept) at a guys house who in the morning told people that we did all sorts of sexual acts even though they didn't occur what so ever.

This is the society that we live in and it is not okay and it needs to stop. 

My body is MY body. No means NO.

This isn't just happening to women either. It can happen to anyone.

One night I was walking to my car on campus. It was dark. I was scared. I saw a group of men standing around that made me feel very uncomfortable, when all of a sudden, a group of my guy friends happened to be around and they walked me to my car so I wouldn't feel afraid. I'm grateful for men like that.

I'm grateful for the men in my life who do not treat women as objects. 

I'm grateful for men who protect instead of intimidate. 

I'm grateful for men who don't expect that because they are a man, that it is my responsibility to pleasure them just for being in their presence because I'm a woman.

I'm grateful for men that don't put their hands wherever they want on my body without asking me first.

I'm grateful for men who speak to me as a human being and not as a sexual object.

I'm grateful for men who respect my boundaries and don't try to force through them.

There needs to be more men like that.

To those who have experienced sexual trauma, speaking out does not make you weak. There is an army of people here to love you and help you through your pain. What happened to you is not your fault and you did not deserve it. 

Sexy Lady

I am very particular with the scents that I will wear. I've been wearing the same scent for probably 12 years now. (Which I will share that one with you next time.) I know what I like and I usually stick to it. Within the past couple of years, I've felt that I needed a more "grown up" perfume to add to my scents. I had no idea where to start.

I hate anything floral or powdery and I feel like most female scents are floral and powdery. I hate it. I like woodsy, musky, scents with a little bit of vanilla sweetness in there or straight up vanilla.

 I remember I was walking in to Sephora one day when I was hit with the best damn smelling perfume I have ever smelled. It stopped me dead in my tracks and I knew that I had to get a sample.

Because of the fact that scents smell different on everyone, getting a sample at Sephora is one of my biggest tips when finding a perfume to wear. Get a sample and see how it reacts with your PH. Same goes for men trying to find cologne. Another tip is Scentbird. You can get large samples of designer perfumes and colognes sent to you each month for only $14.95. The samples last a really long time too! I highly recommend joining Scentbird if you're looking to find new scents. It's how I found a lot of my new favorite scents.

Be Who You Are

I'm scared of pretty much everything.
I don't know what my favorite color is.
I'm a picky eater.
I hate to camp with every fiber of my being.
I don't understand why anyone enjoys watching Baseball.
I can't speak another language to save my life.
I cry any time I hear Coldplay.
Dogs make me feel like my heart is going to burst because I love them so much.
I could eat Tacos for every single meal and be happy.
I have insane amounts of anxiety.
I don't like wearing makeup.

About Time

A fact you should all know about me is that I can not pick favorites. If you ask me what my favorite "this" or "that" is, I will break down because I literally love way too many things to pick favorites. HOWEVER, I do think that I can say with almost 100% certainty that I have picked my favorite movie. 

     

I have tears in my eyes thinking about this movie. I think the trailer does an amazing job explaining the premise of this movie.

I remember years ago a friend on Facebook posted this trailer and I thought "Oh, that looks cute, I'll have to see that one." but then forgot about it's existence. Then about 3 years ago I randomly saw it on a website and I watched it, in my bed, sobbing. This movie is freaking brilliant.

Be Kind

I, like everyone else in Utah, have been bewildered and fixated on the Paul Swenson case. Every day, I've been waking up checking the news, checking social media to see if he had been found, hopefully alive. Every day I've been praying for him and his family. Every day, I also read on social media terrible things being said about Paul, his family, and his wife.

If you've followed the case, you would know that his body was found this past Sunday. It's heartbreaking. I did not know Paul, I do not know his wife or his family. As I checked social media and saw the hurtful, mean things being said about him and his wife and intimate details about their relationship, it broke my heart.

Hanz and Franz

This past March, I finally had my dream of perfect eyebrows come to life. I imagine that pride, joy, and immense love I felt upon seeing their greatness is comparable to giving birth. 

Wash Yourself

Almost 3 years ago I was blessed with finding the brand CRUDE Personal Care. At the time of discovery, I had terrible rosacea on my cheeks, insanely dry skin, and zero self confidence. I refused to leave my house without makeup on. I even refused to let my family see me bare faced. CRUDE's products healed my skin, naturally and without harsh chemicals. CRUDE's products also gave me my confidence back. My skin has never looked better.

Through my YouTube video and an application process last year, I was selected to be a Brand Ambassador for them. The day I got the e-mail was like Christmas for me. I had never been more excited! 

San Francisco

This summer my sister had the opportunity to move with her family to San Francisco. Since I had never been, I decided to fork up the cash and take a little summer vacation there. It was a welcome break from the scorching  100+  summer heat Utah has been experiencing. The hottest it got the entire time I was there was maybe 80 f. It was lovely. 

I had been dreaming about going to San Francisco for so many years so I was insanely giddy the entire 2 hour flight out there. I was also giddy because the only seat on the entire flight that was empty was the seat next to mine. Hallelujah for a little bit of extra leg room! I was also giddy because the most gorgeous human being was sitting next to me. I'm pretty sure he was interested in the men though. It was PRIDE weekend in SF after-all. Nonetheless, he was nice to look at throughout the flight. 

To be 100% honest, I didn't love San Francisco. I was there for almost 1 week and I think if I could do it again, I'd go for only a couple of days. I keep having a re-occuring nightmare though where I move to San Francisco so I might end up there one day. I did however love how diverse the architecture was. All of the buildings were stunning and all so unique. I wanted to take pictures of everything! I also loved that the parks had fences around them with only one entrance in and out. I think every park needs that.