Friday, December 29, 2017

Dear 2017,
 You're almost over and I'm not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, I'm excited for you to be over because that means we're that much closer to Donald Trump's "presidency" being over. On the other, I'm not excited for you to be over because it means I'm that much closer to 26 and losing my insurance. #GodBlessAmerica (Sarcasm, obviously.)

Nonetheless, here we are about to part ways so that 2018 can come crap on us too. Half joking. 2017, you weren't my worst year but I can also say that you weren't the best year either. That slot still remains 2013 when I WAS IN MY PRIME!

2017, you've been full of answers for me. Specifically, medically. How truly grateful I am to live in a time of modern medicine and hot AF medical professionals. God bless nurse Jake at Utah Valley Hospital for being the sexiest nurse to ever stick a needle in me. Am I getting out of hand? Too bad. He made having a colonoscopy and endoscopy not as terrifying but also kind of fun. Thanks Jake for joking around with me before and after the procedure and for making sure I didn't let my ass hang out as I ran to the bathroom for the nine millionth time in my hospital robe. #ColonoscopiesAreFUN

Here's a special momento from that blessed day.

But for real, I'm grateful I live in a time where they can shove a tube with a camera up my ass and down my throat (not the same tube, obviously.) to help me figure out my life long struggle with intense stomach pains, and always feeling sick no matter what I eat and drink.   Cheers to you 2017 for creating a medicine that has helped me live my life a little less sick all the time. Also cheers to you for making my food allergy list longer, it's made life a lot easier. Not. 

2017 also gave me the best damn eyebrows of all time. A joyous occasion for sure.
Best things to have ever happened to my face.

Hallelujah, Praise the Lord.

2017 was also a big year for me because I finally stood up for myself and my happiness and went to  to Dental Assisting school- something I've been wanting to do for years.

I've never loved anything more. (Except my niece and nephew, OBVIOUSLY.) Dentistry has filled my soul and that might sound weird but It honestly feels like I've gained a piece back that was missing. I've always felt so very out of place in my own life. Like I've just been a moving, breathing waste of a human. I say that because I've felt empty, and have just been going through the motions everyone else has told me to do and it was DRIVING ME CRAZY. Here I am, 25, still living for other people and not myself. 

NOT IN 2017!! During the spring semester pursuing a Bachelors last Spring, I physically and emotionally couldn't do it anymore. I was not living for myself or making my own decisions and I was SICK AND TIRED of feeling like nothingness. Literal nothingness. So I put my foot down and told my parents that I was no longer going to pursue the Bachelors and that I was going to go to Dental Assisting school because that was what I wanted to do with my life. It wasn't met with cheers from them but 2017 gave me the courage to stick to my guns and say "I'm 25, this is my life, my choice, I'm doing it and there isn't anything you can do about it." So here we are. 

I graduated with all A's from my Dental Assisting course and I've been working part time with an amazing Dentist who has been so great at teaching me hands on all of the aspects of a Dental Office. He and his entire staff have been such a joyful blessing in my life and there will never be words to properly express my gratitude. 

In 2017 I also met my real life twin IN PERSON!!
I have loved Matt Bellassai since the very first moment my friend Hebs was like "You know who is your spirit animal? That guy that gets drunk at work and complains about stuff." I was like "WHAT!? WHO IS THIS!?" I watched his videos and was like HOLY CRAP! He is that twin my grandma used to tell me I had. 

Matt is the literal male version of me except for the whole drunk at work part. Meeting him in person was a typical Hannah moment where I froze and couldn't even remember who I am, where I live, how old I am, etc.  But meeting him IRL was one of the biggest moments of my life and my year.  Also, he really is that funny in person. And he's really nice.

Let's talk honorable 2017 mentions, shall we?

 San Fransisco.  Now, let me be clear. I freaking HATED San Fransisco. It was dirty, the hills were actual mountains, AND it was during the time I first started taking that medicine that changed my life for the better. I had the colonoscopy the week before I left and literally started the medicine the day before I got on the plane. My body had no idea how to handle that medicine at first and I found myself throwing up all of my insides in a dirty San Fransisco bathroom the day after starting them. It was terrible. I remember feeling like someone was literally ripping my insides apart as we were driving across the Golden Gate Bridge to Sausalito. I thought I was probably hungry so I actually stole a granola bar from my niece LIKE A SAVAGE and shoved it down my throat real quick to possibly make me feel better. Nope. As we were waiting in line to meet freaking Daniel Tiger at the Bay Area Discovery Museum,  the wraths of hell came over me and I've never been more sick in a public place before in my life. 

It was hell on earth and a little kid in the stall next to me asked If I was okay after hearing me vomit out my soul and then my sobs that followed. Poor kid is probably scared for life. That was the first day of the trip and I felt like complete and total shit the rest of the 6 days I was in that terrible place. There were some highlights of that trip for me though. Number 1- the beach.  I belong by the ocean and the ocean belongs by me.

Other highlight? The road trip of moving my sister and the kids back to Utah after their summer in SF. I loved seeing Northern California, and North West Nevada. Reno has my heart. I'm being 100% serious. I absolutely LOVED Reno and want to move there as soon as possible. 

Not fun part of that roadtrip? When E lost her special blanket in Reno. The story she gets told now is that "special blankie" caught a flight to Vegas to join the Britney Spears tour. It helps her feel better about the situation. #BritneyFansForLife. 

Also not fun part? When G man SCREAMED Bloody murder from freaking Wendover all the way to Salt Lake.  BUT E and I did pee on the side of the road in the middle of the Salt Flats while my sister was trying to calm G and it was one of the funniest moments of my life. Have you ever peed on the side of the road while trying to hold a 3 year old who also has to pee WHILE also keeping your eyes peeled for rattlesnakes and scorpions? Pure madness.

Another honorable mention of 2017 was the DATE I went on. It was a BIG deal for me. Something I went to a couple sessions of therapy about in order to do. If you know me, you might know that I had a pretty serious we'll call "encounter" with a boy a couple of years ago. (He doesn't deserve to be called a man.) Now that I'm thinking about it, "encounter" sounds weird but I don't know if I can even call what we had a relationship. Long story short, he DESTROYED me and I honestly didn't know if my heart could ever recover from the pain caused by the entire situation with him. It kind of did, but I am left with some pretty bad emotional scars where I now completley shut myself off because I don't want to ever feel that pain again and I would rather be alone. Not only that, but I've been absolutely TERRIFIED of anything having to do with dating anyone. Like full on panic attacks.

 SO the fact that I met someone that I felt comfortable enough with and excited with to go on a date with (how many times can I say WITH!?) was a BIG. FREAKING. DEAL. I could tell you that it was a fun night but it honestly wasn't. It was honestly the worst date that I tried to tell myself was good but it was just plain awful. The night ended with me accidentally running my car in to a pole so that gives you an idea of the rest of the night. BUT the fact is that I WENT. Not only that, but I asked him on the date. BIG DEAL FOR HANNAH KOLLER. No, I haven't been on a "date" date since BUT that one was good enough for me. Again, I have issues.

Another big moment in 2017? My grandparents moved out of their house in to an assisted living type situation. Their house was just too much for them and we were worried about them living up on the mountain in that big house all the time. If you've ever been to my grandparents, it's the steepest roads on the side of the mountain to get to their house and two people in their 80's shouldn't be driving period ,let alone on steep mountain roads. It was time but that doesn't mean I wasn't DEVASTATED (still am) when it all was going down. I'm a very sentimental person with places so saying goodbye to their home was really hard for me. 

So there's 2017 in a nutshell.

 I can honestly say that I am so proud of myself this year. Sure, I'm still living with my parents and looking for ANYONE  with Insurance to marry by Feb. 7th so that I'll still have insurance BUT, I'm proud of my choices that have led me to this moment in time.  2017 wasn't the worst, despite the entire state of the country right now- BUT, MY 2017 wasn't terrible. 

I'm looking forward to 2018 and the opportunities ahead. I'm so grateful to be going in to a new year doing something that I love surrounded by people that I actually like and I'm not pretending to like. (At least the majority of you.  *wink) I like how this post started out as a letter and morphed in to something else. I guess that's like my life. It goes one way and then morphs so many times.

So here's to 2018. May we all make it to the other end alive and doing what we love, hopefully surrounded by people we love. Let's also all pray that I find a mail order husband by Feb 7, 2018 so that I can have continued health insurance. Seriously, please pray.  

Here's to you 2017, now move the eff over so that we're closer to Drumpf Little hands being kicked out of the White House.

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